My top Five ways kids Manipulate Their Parents

     No, I haven’t been secretly spying in your homes, but I can tell you this. I know kids, and would bet my favorite t-shirt that some of your children have deployed some great strategies in order to get their way. Allow me to share with you my top five ways, or “nips” if you will, in which children manipulate their parents:
 
Nip number 1. “I hate you”! This upsetting little phrase can start as early as the toddler years, but may continue on through the teen years (like when you tell Susie that she isn’t getting a new convertible for her 16th birthday). If you have little ones, “I hate you!” may all but stop your heartbeat. Trust me, when you have teens those three words won’t phase you. Parents should know that these words have absolutely nothing to do with how much little Bradley or Susie loves mom and dad. It does have to do with the fact that mom or dad just said no. Try to refrain from responses like, “Oh, how can you say that? You know you don’t hate me, and I love you! Ok, just one more cookie, but that’s all!” A better response is, “Alright, I don’t want to hear those words out of your mouth again, and I know that you don’t hate me. If I hear it again, you can go straight to time-out. That’s not how you talk to your mom when she says no to something.” You address the behavior, because that’s all it is. 
 
Nip number 2. “I don’t care!” This often follows an appropriate parent response to nip number 1, when you just sent your child to timeout or delivered any other consequence to misbehavior. Take away your child’s video games or your teen’s driving privileges for a week, and oh yes—he cares! He just doesn’t want you to think your discipline strategies will work. Unlike nip number one, I personally don’t care if kids say “I don’t care.” I would just deliver the sentence anyway. However, if you are tired of hearing this little falsehood, do what my own parents did. “OK, you don’t care if I ground you for a week? We can go for two.”
 
Nip number 3. “I’m sorry!” This may follow the “now you are grounded for two weeks” scenario I just mentioned. Sure, your child is sorry—sorry he just got grounded. I see this all the time. Parents feel that if a child has seen the error of his ways and shows remorse, he should be off the hook. It’s much like a driver with the ol’ lead foot. If the average police officer never writes a ticket for speeders who are “so sorry”, do you think such drivers will stop speeding? Not on your life. It’s good for children to show remorse for misbehavior and to apologize to those they have wronged—but again, we are talking about saying sorry to manipulate others. If your child is constantly telling you “I’m sorry” for misbehavior, explain that what you really want to hear isn’t “I’m sorry”. What you do want to hear is, “OK, I won’t do that again.”  
 
Nip number 4. “You don’t trust me!” Teens absolutely love this one because it reaches to the core of parents with teens—a trusting relationship. This little nip has nothing to do with trust, but has everything to do with your responsibility of being the parent. If your daughter with the brand new driver’s license exclaims, “You don’t trust me!” after you just said no to her making a four-hour drive to the beach this weekend, say this. “Sure, honey, I trust you just fine, I just don’t trust your driving inexperience, ability to change a flat tire, strangers, or the countless teen guys that will be running loose all weekend”. Leave it at that. Further talk will only prolong the argument.    
 
Nip number 5. “But so-and-so’s parents let him!” The neat thing about this nip is that it takes no questioning, conversation, or arguing at all. Just go straight for the phone. Ask so-and-so’s parent if they really would let their child do the outrageous request you child made. If not, case closed. If they would? Mark that family off your list of folks with whom your youngster can spend the night.
 
Bryan Greeson is a nationally certified School Psychologist in York School District One.